Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
A Cool Thing I CAN Show You
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
What excites me is that when I go to Kansas City, I'll knock out two states in a row, because it's exactly on the border. Now that's lazy.
Carbonated Racial Profiling
I thought diet drinks would be favored by larger folk who wanted to, well, diet. Sometimes this holds, though most of the time, these folk understand that opting for the diet version of something that's one hundred percent sugar is just silly. Hemlock light, please, I'm watching my vitality. But it's the yuppie people that go for diet stuff, and kids, and sometimes yuppie kids. People whose metabolisms are already skimming along right where they oughtta be. But before I denounce that as ridiculous, I will first concede that it's working. Maintenance, rather than a cure. We move on.
Foreign types dig orange juice. Lots of times, if their English is a quart low and I don't understand what they said, I'll just make an orange juice and they join me in a smile-and-nod.
My precious few black folk out here like ginger ale. And since it's Canada Dry brand, all the Canadians do too. I'm not even sure what ginger ale is. What the hell is that?
If you want Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper, you're from the South.
If you want lime, you're from California.
And a thing I've noticed that's less a preference and more of a trait: if there is an old married couple and the man is on the aisle, and they both order the same thing, and I serve the man first, he will invariably pass the drink to the woman. They don't make 'em like they used to, I guess.
How To Keep Your Feet Warm At 30,000 Feet
Later, when she wasn't looking, I gave it a shot. Who knew?
Monday, December 25, 2006
What a gyp.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
OK, You Knew This Entry Was Coming
The Hum-Bruh: if I'm standing in front of you dressed like a flight attendant, on a plane, with a drink cart and a drink in each hand, what do you think I just asked you? This guy never fails to pull his iPod out of his ears and give me the 'I'm sorry, what?' with his eyebrows. A variant is the Double Hum-Bruh, who immediately re-iPods and then does the whole thing again when I ask what snack he wants. Stack a bunch of these in two rows and you get a beverage service that lasts way longer than it should.
The Indecibel: contributing to the aformentioned way-longedness, this guy just makes his lips flap around in the shape of words, rather than actually saying what kind of drink he wants. Most often he'll do it three times in a row, before howling what he wasn't saying out loud before, like it was your fault you didn't hear what he didn't say.
The Game Show Contestant: it's a drink. That's all it is. You already know what drink you gravitate towards. So why, then, should you have to look skyward and stroke your beard in thought to decide what you want, like this guy does? A variant of this one is the Inspector, who will peer into the drink cart while making the all-important decision, and a further subclass is the Out Of Turn Inspector, who will peer into the cart while someone else is making the decision, which is just creepy.
The Delusional Self-Important Guy: sometimes you start the service in the back of the cabin, and this passenger will blithely and non-directionally shout, "I'll have a gin and tonic!" on your way past, when it is clear you are on your way somewhere, are not currently serving, and have not served anyone previously. Note: this is the way to get ignored.
The Emissary of Arcane Sign Language: this waste of time will curl his fingers into an unreadable gesture and display it as if it means 'Coke' or 'Sprite.' All it means is that I can't read your mind.
The How The F Should I Know Guy: at the beginning of every service, you make an announcement that covers what drinks and snacks you're going to be hurling at folk. Inevitably, people will not listen, and you'll have to go through the litany again. Not a problem... as much a waste of time as Hum-Bruhs are, I gotta admit that I've never been vigilant for an entire plane ride. But this guy isn't just not paying attention... he's not paying attention and insulted that you would think he would know what the snack choices are. He's perfected the shaking head thrust, shoulder shrug, and empty hand gesture that clearly says, 'well how the F should I know what snacks you have?' This guy can also be found under J, for Jackhole.
To be continued...
If A Dog @#%& On A Plane, Does It Make A Sound?
All's well that ends well, I guess.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Denver Under Siege
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
A Little Pilot In You
ME: Your flight crew tonight is Captain Morgan and First Offic-
PASSENGERS (putting feet on stuff): ARRRR!
Over the course of the four day trip, I discovered that the passengers going haywire at the mention of this guy's name was dependent on just how straight-faced my delivery was. If I said 'Captain Morgan' as if I were saying 'Mister Rogers,' no big deal. Maybe one guy would look up. But if I cracked, if I even showed one whit of fear, ARRRR! And feet on stuff.
A funny side note: on the last day of this trip, Morgan came down with a cold and took himself off the trip. And since he was training the co-pilot, the co-pilot went with him. So they threw in a new crew on me, with completely new names. Got their first names when I met them, because we were rushed. That I hadn't gotten their last names only hit me later, when I was already pounding through the 'your flight crew tonight is' announcement. So I just introduced Captain Solo and First Officer Bacca. Oddly enough, no one even noticed.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
How To Use Snow
Snow can be used in a variety of different ways. The first thing to understand about snow is that it is cold. Snow does not look cold on TV, but it is, in fact, freezing. Do not apply directly to eyeballs.
Utah snow is different from other snows in that it is powdery. This makes skiing fun, apparently, but does not lend itself to snowman-making in the traditional 'three-ball' sense.
Do not eat yellow snow. Also, do not eat white snow, because as has been stated previously, it is COLD.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Things Are Upside-Down Here
Made a joke about 'hey look, we're a big enough city to have our own smog!' and he said it was something called the inversion layer. Some kind of meteorological phenomenon. The mountains trap air at their base because of the heat rising, and it ends up on the wrong side... inverted, I guess you could say. Not technically smog, he said, because it's a weather thing, but it amounts to the same thing. Old people should not go out, and I shouldn't drive my car. I hate that. There's only one reason I drive my car, and that's to look at outdoor old people.
This same pilot was saying that some guy did a study of the locations of all the natural disasters that befall the U.S., and the only place where you're perfectly safe from everything is a fifty square-mile area in southeast Utah. Joseph Smith was RIGHT!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
This says I can drive and drink. Not that it's all that big of a whoop to drink out here... The Society for Personal Rights Curtailment On Behalf Of Religious Superstition has decreed that there be a lower alcohol content in Utah, and so there's a pink stamp on all the booze you get here to prove it (I'll have to show you all that in a later entry). So now it takes three beers instead of two. Also of note in this picture is that under height, that's actually an 8. Really.
This says I don't go to jail when I am driving. Unless I'm drinking. Note the Wile E. Coyote design on the plate. I knew there was a reason I liked living here. That's a cartoon representation of an actual arch at a place south of here called Moab. That's a future quest/blog entry as well. Wish I could show you what my license plate spells, because it's also pretty funny, but I know all of you are itching to steal my identity and masquerade as me, so your plans are THWARTED DO YOU HEAR ME THWARTED!
I have also recieved my official FAA Flight Attendant Certificate. That's a little credit card-looking thing that they tell you the FAA only gives to you so they can take it away from you when you do something stupid. But it's actually pretty nifty... it's got a lot of whereas and hereto on it, and a picture of that first plane at Kitty Hawk and the Wright Brothers. For all the little dumb things about this job, there are things that remind you that you're part of a long history of putting things in the air that don't belong there.
Lunch At Warp Nine
It's a good thing the inside is cool, because the service wasn't all that great. Maybe they do it like this on the moon, but 'drive-by' is the best way to describe our waiter's contact with us. Or maybe it was because we were in LA.
The food was excellent. That round thing is sesame-seed salmon. Don't know where they found a round fish. And yes, that's a pyramid made out of rice. Neat. Kinda went with the whole 'sixties new age' theme. That green stuff... dunno. Organic, I'm sure. I'm from the South... no idea what it was.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Shutdown At The Spaceship
Because it looks like a spaceship, it became a quest, of course. "Gonna go to the spaceship next time I'm in Los Angeles," I told everyone. I thought that I was just calling it a funny name and that when I got there, I would find out that it was actually called Francois' on the Airport or something just as pretentious.
Nope. It really is a spaceship.
The elevator plays kooky sixties sci-fi music on the way up. The digital readout also reads 'K' on the first floor and something that's not even a letter on the restaurant level. Inside it's got an impressive view and looks like what they thought the future would look like forty years ago. That's as cool as it got though, because it was Sunday and they closed five minutes before we got there. Crap.
We'll try to catch it tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
A Cool Thing I Can't At All Show You
But it totally thwarts all attempts at capturing it photographically. I could have posted the ten or so shots I took, but you've all seen black squares before. Oh, lament.