Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My Guilty Secret

I read OK! Magazine. I also read Star, People, US Weekly, and a host of other celeb-stalking rags. Such is the terror of facing a four hour leg with nothing to read that I rejoice when I see that someone has left one of these magazines in the seat-back pocket. Somehow, and inexplicably, the things in these magazines matter to me. It matters that Zac is dating Vanessa, and that she once took naughty pictures. It matters that Heidi and Lauren are feuding, even though I have no idea who the hell they are. It matters that stars do things just like I do; Cameron Diaz goes for a jog, Eva Longoria (now Longoria-Parker) goes shopping, and Kate Beckinsale listens to an iPod. Tori Spelling tells all, and I don't care, but it matters that she did. It matters who wore it better. Is George Clooney gonna marry Sarah? Will Matthew McConaghey marry Camila? Will Jennifer and Angelina ever meet up and settle things? Is Lindsay on or off the wagon? Will Suri grow up to couch-bounce like her dad?
It's not all fun and games. If I see the phrase 'baby bump' followed by an exclamation point one more time, I'm going to kill the nearest person. If I read about a star noshing on their favorite food one more time, my atoms will involuntarily separate. Nosh? Who noshes? As a writer, I believe no word is useless, but that's as knife-edge close as you can get. Also, if I see that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were spotted canoodling, I will achieve the speed of sound in fury. One paparazziwürd I secretly like is frenemy. That one's kinda cool. But really, you guys, isn't Paris done? Aren't we done with her? I mean, really?
I used to be on our side. I didn't care about Britney. But our girl's taken a pounding, no matter how silly she is. Being from the South, where we all have babies one hip and a daquiri in the other hand, sure, I'll stand up for her. I thought the buzz-cut looked cool.
I suppose that I should end this whole thing by affirming that I still like girls. Though I will dedicate this entry to Robert. He'll dig that.


Blogger AkuTyger said...

I blame this bad habit on lack of regular access to NPR. When I could drive/walk around back in college with a radio glued to my ear, I hardly cared. Now I only get NPR when I'm online, which is only at home, and it's hard to pay attention when there is a two year old poking you in the butt for something, and anyway, isn't my attention supposed to be on the two year old? I got addicted to It's horrible and I blame it on my friend Tianna for showing it to me. And I blame the lack of shortwave radios.

3:35 AM  
Blogger Gamserberg Gazette said...

I ran into the same experience after moving to Switzerland. I missed all things pop culture and found myself accepting any English speaking gossip rag - no matter how old they were. When you are out of the loop does it matter that you are reading about November's dish in February? I'll add this topic to my repatriation concerns.

5:04 AM  
Blogger Jo Jo Fat Stuff said...

So, Gamserberg - do you want me to mail you my inTouch issue from last week - a kind of early Birthday present?

9:09 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

That's something I forgot to mention... most of these magazines are from two months ago. And we still read them, don't we?

10:33 AM  
Blogger AkuTyger said...

I actually have, some where in the house, a couple of these from 2005 (gasp) - and that is due to the lack of English reading material. Luckily my grandmother decided to take pity on me and get me a subscription to the New Yorker, which comes nearly every week. Some how the pictures aren't as pretty, though...

5:16 PM  
Blogger kt said...

Hi, it's me again, stalking your blog! I have been chuckling at every other post and getting weird looks from my coworkers.

I used to read Star all the time, they had the best crossword puzzles! I would tear them out and sneak them into production areas when I used to have to watch tablets get coated. Star crosswords were like prison contraband to me, haha

9:48 AM  

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