Friday, June 08, 2007


Today as I was headed to the back of the plane to make an announcement, a foreign fellow waves his hand at me. "You, eh, heff something on your shirt." I think wow, great, now I have to find a laundromat in a strange city. I thank him, and he shakes his head. "No, it is, eh... movink." So I head back up to the front of the plane, because I figure it'll undermine my professional demeanor if the passengers see me chasing a small bug around my shirt. When I see Morgan, the flight attendant recruit, turn pale and start backing away, I formulate the idea that maybe this isn't a small bug, and think that it would definitely undermine my professional demeanor if the passengers see me flail and scream like a young girl. At the same time, I feel a chitinous pincer caress the flesh of my throat. Knowing I may have picoseconds to live, I send a hand up to my collar and grab something the size of a magnolia leaf.
It's a locust. And it's looking at me.
I do flail, but not much. And I scream, but it's a closed-mouth scream, so as to keep this devil-insect from flying straight into my mouth (which they all, deep down in their black bug souls, want to do). And as I'm howling MMMMMMMMM I sling this bug as far as I can, which is not far, since I'm in the galley. It goes WEEEEEEEEE around the galley, causing Morgan to flail and scream like a young girl (which she somehow pulls off). It lodges in the seal of the now-closed cabin door and watches us hungrily.
Amusingly, only the first row of passengers have noticed any of this. And, of course, the foreign guy whose fault this all is.
But the really funny part (at least to me, because I was in the back of the plane) is that the flight that contained this locust was Morgan's final test flight, and she had to rattle off that killer nine-paragraph announcement while keeping a ready eye on the bug, who may or may not have been readying to strike at any moment. But, I am happy to report, Morgan plowed through, and she has now joined our ranks. And along with all her other qualifications, she gets to list that she's bug-proof.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

True story: In Panama they let large, colorful insects pince onto their lapels. Natural jewelry. Judy was returning to the States on an airplane with one of these, and she'd nursed it along for several hours when someone noticed it, said, "You have a bug on you!" and flicked it off!
P.S. I can't believe you were undone by a LOCUST. You just ain't right.

7:04 AM  

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