Since the dawn of man, all humans have known someone who had a friend who was a flight attendant. Here, now, I am that friend.The Beverage Virus
Between judicious applications of aloe and icepack, I was able to get on the plane today and do my job. And while I was there, I was reminded of a scientific theory I've been working on: The Beverage Virus.
Now and again, during the service, a scenario will occur wherein 90 percent of the passengers will order the same drink. The first time this happened, I naturally assumed that this was due to a virulent microbe that links people's minds together at an unconscious level, and told the pilots we should evacuate. They kinda told me I was stupid, and so I began to quietly run experiments in order to test the theory and eventually vindicate myself:
1: Once the virus has taken hold, I'll try to force passengers to choose something else by putting several cans of another drink on the cart and removing the ones people are picking. This does not work, which proves it's something more sinister than the power of advertising.
2: During an epidemic, I'll ask what a passenger wants to drink in a whisper, so that they will respond in kind and other passengers won't hear. In these cases, people still keep ordering that same damn drink, indicating a phenomenon other than subconscious suggestion.
3: Once a passenger who is obviously immune breaks the streak, I tell them that the next passenger has been insulting their mother, hoping to get them so cross that they'll spit on that passenger, therefore innoculating them against the virus. So far I haven't gotten this to work.
I think the results are conclusive. The Beverage Virus is real. I'd start a campaign to educate people about this threat, but all it really does is make my job easier, so never mind. In fact, forget I told you any of this.
Now and again, during the service, a scenario will occur wherein 90 percent of the passengers will order the same drink. The first time this happened, I naturally assumed that this was due to a virulent microbe that links people's minds together at an unconscious level, and told the pilots we should evacuate. They kinda told me I was stupid, and so I began to quietly run experiments in order to test the theory and eventually vindicate myself:
1: Once the virus has taken hold, I'll try to force passengers to choose something else by putting several cans of another drink on the cart and removing the ones people are picking. This does not work, which proves it's something more sinister than the power of advertising.
2: During an epidemic, I'll ask what a passenger wants to drink in a whisper, so that they will respond in kind and other passengers won't hear. In these cases, people still keep ordering that same damn drink, indicating a phenomenon other than subconscious suggestion.
3: Once a passenger who is obviously immune breaks the streak, I tell them that the next passenger has been insulting their mother, hoping to get them so cross that they'll spit on that passenger, therefore innoculating them against the virus. So far I haven't gotten this to work.
I think the results are conclusive. The Beverage Virus is real. I'd start a campaign to educate people about this threat, but all it really does is make my job easier, so never mind. In fact, forget I told you any of this.
posted by Phil at 10:45 PM
3 Comments:
I have a theory, and perhaps you can corroborate or debunk it, that ginger ale is a far more popular beverage on a plane than off. I know the majority of my ginger ale consumption happens in the air.
Easier until you run out of ginger ale with a twist of parsley. THEN what do you do?
L.M.
Does this explain why sometimes I just get a tiny cup, lots of ice, and a sprinkling of beverage. . . while other times they plunk down a cup of ice and the entire can?
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