A Word About Club Soda

There is also another kind of passenger you should not ever be, and that's the kind of passenger that orders club soda. Usually some guy in a turtleneck or someone from across the pond who refers to it as "spahkling woo-tah." There are variations, of course, but the one thing that always the same is the pretension. This water does not sparkle. If this water sparkles, so does Natural Light. It does not taste good. In fact, it tastes bad. It tastes like the taste that's only in a soft drink because it needs to be carbonated, and that you would remove from said soft drink if you could. There's only one reason to order club soda, and that's to look like you're from L.A. when you're actually not, and you're not fooling anyone because real L.A. folk order heroin.

A note to any of you who happen to like soda water (and I'm from the South, so I can say this): bless your heart.