How To Read The Passenger Safety Card

The Passenger Safety Card is that laminated thing in the seat pocket in front of you on an airplane, and it has been designed to efficiently inform you of what to do in an emergency situation. It has also, unfortunately, been designed to perform this task regardless of what language you speak, which has resulted in some pretty damn cryptic images. I will now explain to you exactly what these pictures mean, so that you will be more informed in the event of an emergency:

"During landings on terrain or in water, you should try to become very depressed."

"If this plane does land on terrain or in water, do not exit. Instead, direct your eye-beams through the window at any nearby fire, cloud, or four sharks in a row that you see. Failing that, blast out the window with your eye-beams and concentrate on the resulting shards until they are discolored from heat."

"Note: these instructions are only for non-smokers in blackface.
If your mouth vanishes at any time during the flight, pull the oxygen mask down from the panel. Wrap the mask around your head several times. Be sure to make a real mess out of the tubing. Adjust the antennae on either side to ensure good reception. If a child is with you, place the mask over their head and snap the elastic strap as hard as you can."

"When a flight attendant tells you it is time to deplane, open the door. They will not do it for you. Once the door is open, sit in the open doorway. Do not exit, even if there is a red arrow on the ground which seems to indicate that you should do so."

Having been trained in emergency evacuations, I cannot stress enough the importance of strict adherence to these rules. This information may one day save your life.