GET MEAN: The Review
The randomly assembled events that comprise this movie are so unbelievable that they cannot be believed. It starts as they all do, with a lonesome stranger riding into a desolate Old West town. Except here, The Stranger (as he is referred to only once) has been tied to his saddle and is dragged into town by his own horse. He is then beset by Spanish gypsies who want him to escort their princess back to Spain, where she will somehow become rightful ruler again. They offer to pay him: one dumps about nine gold doubloons on the table and then says, "That's a thousand dollars." Naturally, all he wants to do is be reluctant, but those $111.11 gold pieces are tempting, and we're off.They arrive in Spain (by train, if the opening credits are to be believed) and witness a battle between the Moors and the Barbarian hordes. I'll say that again... a battle between the Moors and the Barbarian hordes. We know who they are because of the dollar ninety-nine costumes and because The Stranger points at each side, saying, "Now, them's the Moors... right? And them's the Barbarians... right?" The princess, who is obviously Moorish Spanish, is rooting for the Moors, but they get clobbered is a crappy fight scene and she gets stolen by the Barbarian leader Diego, who seems to run with an English king who rides a revolving cannon cart, and a really gay guy in a frilly collar. Through absolutely no fault of his own, The Stranger manages to steal her back, and discovers that what everyone's really after is the Treasure of Rodrigues, which only the rightful princess can claim. But she has to stand the mysterious and deadly Trials to do it. Our hero whines a lot and then consents to undergo them for her. What you have to do to prove yourself in these trials, apparently, is stand around in a church while skeletons try to turn you into a wolf, and then fall into a cave where a caveman and explosions chase you. The skeletons just sorta sat there at some tables while The Stranger howled a lot. At one point he actually says, "Now all you people in them coffins, I don't belive in this kind of stuff... you hear me? So don't be trying to turn me into no damn wolf!" Right after a caveman attack, he becomes intrigued with the echo effect, and while he's shouting, "HELLO!" an explosion catches him and he turns black. Not singed or charred. Black. Like tar.
It is at this point that he says, "Oh no... I'm all black, and I think I'm gonna die!"
What revenge, you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. He waits outside Diego's castle until Diego tires of the really gay guy and locks him in a burning straw house, then sits on the steps tossing TNT at folk. Decimates the entire Barbarian army sitting there on the steps, lobbing TNT. There's a tense moment when the female Amazon Barbarians outnumber him, but they suddenly become lesbian and ignore him in favor of each other. Diego eventually corners him, but he manages to dump the scorpions he cleverly gathered earlier down Diego's armor, and there is a twenty minute death scene. And then he rescues the princess by dueling the English king pistol to cannon cart, while the king shouts quotes from Richard III.
After that, it's a quick train ride back to the Old West, and credits roll. And I don't remember having more fun at a movie theater. Five stars.