The Utah Office Of Secular Rights Infringement Presents...
Control state... wasn't that where they all lived in 1984?
Since the dawn of man, all humans have known someone who had a friend who was a flight attendant. Here, now, I am that friend.
It was in the shower, and I didn't have the guts to see what came out of it. But it's a great idea. All your shower condiments in one convenient spot. One-stop showering. Those progressive Canadians.
I also found myself in a conversation with some Edmontonians on the plane, and during an egocentric moment of this conversation, I asked if they remembered the Kia commercial with the screaming Cajun and the dork with the alligator. They did. So that's two provinces I've conquered. Rock.
On the way back into the states, I managed to get my passport stamped with a U.S. stamp. You don't usually get those unless you're flying in from across the pond. It's just been a slaptastic trip all around.
PHIL: You're a painter of some renown. Also, you're the only painter I know who sells work instead of just hanging it up. Why have you chosen your particular medium? What is your most and least favorite thing about your work? And why do you persist in painting almost-recognizable and smiling bits of cheese?
ARTHUR: Simply put, I paint what I like, I like what I paint. I'm not trying to please buyers, I'm trying to please my own artistic curiosities, I'm trying to explore and perfect my lines and colors one step at a time. I hardly ever use blue, which is kind of strange, considering that blue is my favorite color. I suppose my lack of experimentation with it is because I feel I would have to do it justice. I expect less from my yellows and reds, so I don't have to deal with self-censorship.
P: You're an actor of some renown. What's been your favorite role? Least favorite? What's the most interesting thing about acting, for you? What's the deal with that semi-present E in your last name? And would you please end the debate among hot young women everywhere about your supposed use of body doubles?
A: My favorite role was as the principle actor of Looking Glass Inn, an indie film that, as far as I know, only exists as unprocessed cans of film in the director's refrigerator in Indiana. One day I hope to just buy it from him and finish it myself and remember when I used to be younger and more talented. On the other end, I've seen Jigsaw so many times at this point that I cringe with every ___damn word out of my mouth.
For the time being, I'm absolutely addicted to improvisational acting with ColdTowne; it's always so free, so liberating, so spontaneous. There's a certain integrity with scripted acting, though, so I just need an excuse (and time) to get back to that. Doing Shakespeare again would be a treat.
P: You've just renovated a theater, which is already of some renown. Take us through the process. What drives you to improv? What inspired the name Coldtowne? And why do all comedy stages need brick backdrops?
A: There's a fun article about ColdTowne somewhere on YesAnd.com. As far as the theater goes, it's a blessing and curse dealing with the owner of the building, who is our greatest benefactor and greatest pain in the ass. Part of the business, though.
Brick backdrops are "urban" and "authentic", even when they're painted on. It's retarded, but we have to deal with a certain degree of audience expectation to get them to pay attention and pay for tickets, so consider them catered to.
P: Thanks for being interviewed in front of millions of readers that now feel like they know you, but will still probably never make it to Austin.
A: Get mean, Phil.
P.S. Notice how he dodges the "body double" question. That's as good as a confession to me, ladies.
The randomly assembled events that comprise this movie are so unbelievable that they cannot be believed. It starts as they all do, with a lonesome stranger riding into a desolate Old West town. Except here, The Stranger (as he is referred to only once) has been tied to his saddle and is dragged into town by his own horse. He is then beset by Spanish gypsies who want him to escort their princess back to Spain, where she will somehow become rightful ruler again. They offer to pay him: one dumps about nine gold doubloons on the table and then says, "That's a thousand dollars." Naturally, all he wants to do is be reluctant, but those $111.11 gold pieces are tempting, and we're off.They arrive in Spain (by train, if the opening credits are to be believed) and witness a battle between the Moors and the Barbarian hordes. I'll say that again... a battle between the Moors and the Barbarian hordes. We know who they are because of the dollar ninety-nine costumes and because The Stranger points at each side, saying, "Now, them's the Moors... right? And them's the Barbarians... right?" The princess, who is obviously Moorish Spanish, is rooting for the Moors, but they get clobbered is a crappy fight scene and she gets stolen by the Barbarian leader Diego, who seems to run with an English king who rides a revolving cannon cart, and a really gay guy in a frilly collar. Through absolutely no fault of his own, The Stranger manages to steal her back, and discovers that what everyone's really after is the Treasure of Rodrigues, which only the rightful princess can claim. But she has to stand the mysterious and deadly Trials to do it. Our hero whines a lot and then consents to undergo them for her. What you have to do to prove yourself in these trials, apparently, is stand around in a church while skeletons try to turn you into a wolf, and then fall into a cave where a caveman and explosions chase you. The skeletons just sorta sat there at some tables while The Stranger howled a lot. At one point he actually says, "Now all you people in them coffins, I don't belive in this kind of stuff... you hear me? So don't be trying to turn me into no damn wolf!" Right after a caveman attack, he becomes intrigued with the echo effect, and while he's shouting, "HELLO!" an explosion catches him and he turns black. Not singed or charred. Black. Like tar.